Bullet proof cats, mid-life crisis (?), and Joe Dubois...

This morning I was able to breathe a huge sigh of relief.  
On top of the insiduous feeling of dissatisfaction that I mentioned in my first blog last week, was a sense of dread. Oh happy days!
Last Thursday I took my 14(ish) year old cat Dexter to the vets and, to cut a long story short, the vet was highly suspicious that Dexter had got a cancer on his tongue.  We decided on a conservative management plan, part of which was to return to the vets today, following some medication over the last 7 days.  If his tongue was worse, we would be discussing plans for euthanasia, if he was better - well great!  Obviously, given the sigh of relief, you know the news was good.
This cat is seriously bullet proof.  Just after my first son was born he went head to head with a car.  I didn't see this happen - but I heard the screech of brakes.  When I saw Dexter, other than looking like he was stoned, you wouldn't have known anything had happened as it was just his paw that was bleeding.  He spent the night at the vets being treated for shock and then that was that. Dexter -1 , car - nil!
He also disappeared for a few weeks, back in the days when I only had myself to worry about. I received a phone call from a godsend of a woman who had taken him in and taken him to the vets to see if he was microchipped - which he was.  Good thing too. He had, somehow, travelled the best part of about 5 miles so, without the microchip, he would have been lost to me.  Do you know the best thing?  When I went to pick him up he shot me a look that seemed to say "And just where the f*!k have YOU been?".  Bulletproof.
However, the days in between last Thursday and today have not been so good.  Obviously part of that has been about potentially losing a member of the family who is loved very dearly (even if, at times, he would have been forgiven for thinking that his name was 'f*!king cat').  There's nothing like the thought of losing something to make you realise how valued it is.  Again - I KNOW - I'm not exactly blowing you away with new and original theories about what it is to be human am I?!
The threat of losing this, seemingly invincible cat, intertwined itself royally with feelings about time passing, not really appreciating what I have, being unable to undo things that I regret, and, I guess, wondering what the future will bring that will be as meaningful...
It struck me, as I lay on the sofa this morning that I could be having a bit of a mid life crisis - if at this point of reading you have a strong urge to pick me up by my collar, shake me and shout "For goodness sake woman, get over it and GROW A PAIR!!!" then could I kindly point you in the direction of my first blog?  This might offer you some perspective AND, could I just point out that I don't DO collars as they don't really suit my body shape...
Where was I?  Yes, midlife crisis! So, much like any contemporary woman, I took my concerns to the alter of the great God Google and I found this article http://topstressrelieftips.com/midlifecrisis.html. Here are some of the points on the checklist that I specifically identified with:

• Worrying about where your life is going
• Feeling frustrated with everything
• Experiencing feelings of regret
• Focussing on what you are losing
• Feeling invisible
• Thinking that time is running out
• Questioning the meaning of life
• Wanting to make changes but not knowing where to start

What a relief!  I'm not just a miserable bitch with perimenopausal tendencies and unresolved childhood issues, I am normal (well, lets not get carried away).  Its a start, its something to work with.

The only thing that this website doesn't mention is whether developing a bit of a thing for someone WHO IS NOT YOUR HUSBAND is normal at this time of life...

Before you start worrying that I am now going to risk my lovely husband and kids for a quick fling, be reassured by the fact this this man does not really exist - he is a character in a cancelled American series called Medium AND he was killed off in the final episode anyway.  Now THAT was a bad day!

Joe Dubois - the long suffering husband of a woman who can see dead people (a normal marital issue if there ever was one!).  Ever the pragmatist, scientifically minded and with a torso that would make you (me) dribble like a teething toddler.  Check it out: Series Seven, Episode Seven - Native Tongue. Right at the end of the episode he takes his tee shirt off and gets in the bath with Patricia Arquette.  For me, if I was afflicted, it would be a cure for menopausal dryness.  I digress.

So, what prompts a woman who has done the whole teenage crush thing (20+ years ago) to start salivating at a fictional television character? To google him to see if he has a significant other?   

What's more, I can't tell you how offended I was when I confided my 'thing' to a couple of friends who promptly googled him, burst out laughing and queried my sanity/eyesight/taste.

I am at a loss as to how to follow that thread but be aware that I will!  Just not right now.  My creative energies are spent and I really should do something domesticated.  Enough already.

The beginning...

Well, off to a false start already.  
After overcoming formidable opposition to me even opening a blog account earlier today, (think "Mummy...insert random comment here" multiplied 300 times),  I have attended to my family obligations (phoned my mum!) this evening and, finally, FINALLY parked my backside in front of the computer ready to write my first blog.  Oh yessss!
Or rather, NOOO!!!  My 3 year old (fast asleep since 18.30) has, somehow, psychically, cottoned onto my, probably quite poorly concealed intention, to DO SOMETHING FOR MYSELF WHICH REQUIRES...sorry (cyber shouting)...which requires a little bit more thought and attention to detail than is usually necessary.  
So, as I was saying, I 've finally parked my backside when the plaintive cries begin and the worrying cough that, for the past 5 days has preceeded some heroic vomiting, starts to infiltrate my consciousness.  
Now, I think that I am pretty much 'down' with the parenting thing - and by 'down' I don't mean depressed, I mean that I think I have a pretty good idea of what its about and what I can expect (at this particular stage of parenthood). So, I know, that my plan to sit down and blog may not go to ...plan.  However, I think the fact that, internally, MY inner 3 - 13 year old kicked off when I heard those cries, probably means that this blog signifies something quite important to me, else why did I feel so frustrated at the interruption when I was only 3 minutes into the process?
I'm happy to report to those of you who may have felt compelled to call Social Services, at the suggestion that 'this' comes before a potentially poorly child, that he is OK - he just needed a drink and some Piriton for his itching chicken pox spots.  What, can I say?  Its been a hard week - I'd probably benefit from some Piriton myself - it really knocks you out doesn't it?  But..I really want to do this. 
 I've promised my inner preschooler / teenager (she really runs the gauntlet of developmental issues) a slice of cheesecake later if she would just put a sock in it and stop having a tantrum just because our creative writing session was put on hold for a real, actual childs needs...So, where was I?
I'm not sure whether what I am writing actually constitutes 'creative writing' (if anyone wants to look up a dictionary definition then feel free).  I think its just about me creating something - other than the 2 beautiful, rather smelly boys that I created with my husband back in 2006 and 2009 (they are my best creations so far).
I've been feeling somewhat dissatisfied since birth (seriously!) and that feeling seems to have intensified again recently - if you look at what I have got on the table you would be forgiven for giving me a big slap and telling me to wake up and smell the proverbial.  I have everything that I could possibly wish for - a great husband, 2 lovely children, a home, a family, and good friends. I have my health, a brain that works well enough to hold down, what is thought to be, quite a challenging job and we don't go to bed at night worrying about where the next meal is coming from. 
How does all that fit in with me creating something? Well, ever the trawler of any material that could be constituted as belonging to the 'what the fuck is the matter with me?' genre, I recently read something which struck a bit of a chord. 
This material (which will remain nameless and sourceless as I am not sure about copyright laws etc ) suggested that, as humans beings, there is a big emphasis on personal fulfillment derived  from 'having' things.  I know, I know - no big life shattering news there!  This reading material then went on to suggest that personal fulfillment would perhaps be best derived from 'creating' things.  It set me thinking - what do I create?  I can tell you, I was pretty hard pushed to identify anything that I have created, or taken pleasure from creating recently...and I felt pretty low about that.
So, I asked myself 'what am I good at, what did I used to enjoy doing'?  I'm a 42 year old woman...and I am struggling to answer that question.  
My eureka moment (god, hope they are not copyrighted!) was not particularly massive (no surprises there) but, it was something.
Friends and acquaintances, past and present, have regularly passed comment that I have a  way of describing/discussing things that is, at times, a little bit funny - see, I am not going to blow my own trumpet too much.  Now, I don't know if this is true but, its something to work with.  Sadly, I don't have the plethora of frankly, shit dates that I used to go on to use as my platform for storytelling.  But, I have my life, as it is now, to write about and be creative with.
See what you think.
He's coughing again - better go.