On top of the insiduous feeling of dissatisfaction that I mentioned in my first blog last week, was a sense of dread. Oh happy days!
Last Thursday I took my 14(ish) year old cat Dexter to the vets and, to cut a long story short, the vet was highly suspicious that Dexter had got a cancer on his tongue. We decided on a conservative management plan, part of which was to return to the vets today, following some medication over the last 7 days. If his tongue was worse, we would be discussing plans for euthanasia, if he was better - well great! Obviously, given the sigh of relief, you know the news was good.
This cat is seriously bullet proof. Just after my first son was born he went head to head with a car. I didn't see this happen - but I heard the screech of brakes. When I saw Dexter, other than looking like he was stoned, you wouldn't have known anything had happened as it was just his paw that was bleeding. He spent the night at the vets being treated for shock and then that was that. Dexter -1 , car - nil!
He also disappeared for a few weeks, back in the days when I only had myself to worry about. I received a phone call from a godsend of a woman who had taken him in and taken him to the vets to see if he was microchipped - which he was. Good thing too. He had, somehow, travelled the best part of about 5 miles so, without the microchip, he would have been lost to me. Do you know the best thing? When I went to pick him up he shot me a look that seemed to say "And just where the f*!k have YOU been?". Bulletproof.
However, the days in between last Thursday and today have not been so good. Obviously part of that has been about potentially losing a member of the family who is loved very dearly (even if, at times, he would have been forgiven for thinking that his name was 'f*!king cat'). There's nothing like the thought of losing something to make you realise how valued it is. Again - I KNOW - I'm not exactly blowing you away with new and original theories about what it is to be human am I?!
The threat of losing this, seemingly invincible cat, intertwined itself royally with feelings about time passing, not really appreciating what I have, being unable to undo things that I regret, and, I guess, wondering what the future will bring that will be as meaningful...
It struck me, as I lay on the sofa this morning that I could be having a bit of a mid life crisis - if at this point of reading you have a strong urge to pick me up by my collar, shake me and shout "For goodness sake woman, get over it and GROW A PAIR!!!" then could I kindly point you in the direction of my first blog? This might offer you some perspective AND, could I just point out that I don't DO collars as they don't really suit my body shape...
Where was I? Yes, midlife crisis! So, much like any contemporary woman, I took my concerns to the alter of the great God Google and I found this article http://topstressrelieftips.com/midlifecrisis.html. Here are some of the points on the checklist that I specifically identified with:
- Worrying about where your life is going
- Feeling frustrated with everything
- Experiencing feelings of regret
- Focussing on what you are losing
- Feeling invisible
- Thinking that time is running out
- Questioning the meaning of life
- Wanting to make changes but not knowing where to start
What a relief! I'm not just a miserable bitch with perimenopausal tendencies and unresolved childhood issues, I am normal (well, lets not get carried away). Its a start, its something to work with.
The only thing that this website doesn't mention is whether developing a bit of a thing for someone WHO IS NOT YOUR HUSBAND is normal at this time of life...
Before you start worrying that I am now going to risk my lovely husband and kids for a quick fling, be reassured by the fact this this man does not really exist - he is a character in a cancelled American series called Medium AND he was killed off in the final episode anyway. Now THAT was a bad day!
Joe Dubois - the long suffering husband of a woman who can see dead people (a normal marital issue if there ever was one!). Ever the pragmatist, scientifically minded and with a torso that would make you (me) dribble like a teething toddler. Check it out: Series Seven, Episode Seven - Native Tongue. Right at the end of the episode he takes his tee shirt off and gets in the bath with Patricia Arquette. For me, if I was afflicted, it would be a cure for menopausal dryness. I digress.
So, what prompts a woman who has done the whole teenage crush thing (20+ years ago) to start salivating at a fictional television character? To google him to see if he has a significant other?
What's more, I can't tell you how offended I was when I confided my 'thing' to a couple of friends who promptly googled him, burst out laughing and queried my sanity/eyesight/taste.
I am at a loss as to how to follow that thread but be aware that I will! Just not right now. My creative energies are spent and I really should do something domesticated. Enough already.
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